This is where beautiful things hide from us.

May 30th, 2010 feels like a good day to:

change everything.

stop making excuses.

eat healthy.

excercise.

write as much as I can.

fix this shit.

start a journey to happiness, oh wait— I can do that today.

The list of things that will change.

• Appearance: Look in the mirror & see the person I want to be.

                     - Get down to 155 lbs & have a 23.6 bmi.

                     - Tone up!

                     - Do not dye hair anymore, grow it out long.

                     - Take more pride in appearance.

                     - Eat healthy, natural & wholesome foods— lay off processed & unnatural food.

                     - Cut out carbonation and use mydailyplate.com

                     - Have the ability to run three consecutive miles.

                     - Take care of skin with lotion & refrain from any sunless tanning to preserve life-long beauty.

• Act more honestly.

                       - Don’t lie or hold back back feelings unless it is absolutely necessary.

• Compliment someone everyday.

•  Widen my music, movie and literature knowledge by experience.

•  Write everyday in my black bound.

Why do you want to change?

The question is not “Why do you want to change?” The answers are obvious. I want to change so I can fit into the clothes I like. So I can get attention from boys and from girls. I want to be wanted. I want to ensure that I will live as long as possible. I do not want to be just another fat statistic. I don’t want to be called derogatory obesity names in an argument. I don’t want to feel inferior to thin people. I want to be healthy and I want people to look at me for myself, not for my disease—obesity.

The question is, rather, “Why change now?” There have been numerous attempts at changing my lifestyle throughout the past five years. Promises of eating better and exercising, hopes of being honest. Images of walking into school a completely new person. Or saying “Psych!” and unzipping myself from a padded suit and making up an excuse about this being a test—I’ve never been fat! Tricked you all, I’ve always been thin! Or taking back everything I have ever said that wasn’t true—all of the lies disappearing from the minds of others, never to be spoken of again.

But, reality always gets in the way and I feel like I’m destined to be like this until the day I die. And, you know what, that’s right. With that kind of thinking and with reality in charge—that is exactly how I will end up. I’ve always been this, so why won’t I stay this way?

I won’t stay this way because I have finally come to the point in my life where I am motivated to change. I am saying “screw reality.” I realize this lifestyle change will be the hardest thing I will ever do, but I’m ready for the pain, agony and the challenge. I’m sick of walking into a store and wanting that dress, picking it up, taking it into the dressing room even though I know it won’t fit and coming out without a victory. I should be able to walk into that store and come out with a nice fitting dress. There is no excuse, honestly, as to why I’m like this. It is only myself. I should be able to run around and not be winded. I should be able to say how I feel and embrace the friends I have—rather than skip around lies and push them away.

Excuses have been the reason for all of my past failures. I’m an excuse maker, I admit it. Through each project I’ve blamed it on my overweight parents and their lack of cooperation. I’ve blamed it on being sick or not having time. I have to stop this. I have to be held accountable for my own actions because, really, I’m losing time.

I want to change so I can walk into Southport High School at the start of my junior year as a lighter person. Not just in weight, but in spirits. I want to laugh easier and take pictures without having to go through and delete ever shadowy bulge or the extra chin. I want to stop pretending I’m thin and I want to be thin. I want to look in the mirror how I look in my mind. I don’t want to have fistfuls. I don’t want to continue adding marks to my thighs and the back of my arms and my stomach or my mind. I don’t want to be so easily influenced by other. I want to think for myself. Instead of adding new marks and being ashamed of them, I want to look at them a year from now as battle wounds. Because, truly, this is the biggest uphill battle I will ever face in my life. That is the truth.

I just want to finally do what I’ve always wanted to do. I want to take control of something that I can take control of and I want to change it. I am a strong person and I can do this. I just have to be dedicated and I can’t say “oh, it’s just another cookie” because it’s not. I can’t say “oh, I’m too tired to workout” because I’m not too tired.  I can’t say “oh, it’s just a small lie” because it’s never been small.

This, my friends, this change and project disguised as health but is really about happiness—is all. This is all I have ever aspired for. This is the biggest leap to eternal happiness that I can ever achieve. As shallow, stupid and funny as it is—this will make me happy.